Feline Facts and Fallacies by Fedora the Fabulous
Attention readers of the Fourth Ward Cleaver. I am a feline called by myself and my admirers, Fedora the Fabulous. Read on and you shall see the name is merited.
First, unlike almost all cats, I love to wear hats. I have ever since I was a kitten. The Fedora style chapeaux is my hat of choice when I go out for a stroll.
While I may choose to accessorize with all manner of different styles of hats, do not, I repeat DO NOT try to force any feline you may know to wear a hat, even if it’s your birthday. Ninety-nine percent of cats simply hate hats and find them completely unsuitable, especially if the hat is maintained on the head by an elastic band stretched under a delicate chin. It’s ridiculous and humiliating. Unless of course the feline herself freely choose to accessorize, whether it be a hat, a scarf, or a string of pearls. I once preferred the French beret, but got tired of the look and moved to what I consider to be a more mysterious aura. But I digress.
My reason for contributing to this newsletter is simple: I wish to enhance the delicate relations between cat and human. Well-intentioned but often clueless humans may learn something not heretofore known about how fabulous we felines really are.
Picture this. You feel exhausted. You lay down on the sofa just to rest for a moment before trudging ahead with what you plan to do next. Your head is whirling with anxious thoughts about your “to do” list which gets longer the faster you go. Your heart is pounding and your breathing is shallow. In fact, you’re a bit dizzy. What an Arkansas friend of mine called “a sinking spell.” Quite common among humans.
The cat that has chosen to reside with you, despite your shortcomings, quietly walks into the room. She sits on the floor a few feet away and intently observes your pitiful condition. No hiding your feelings from a cat. Don’t even try to pretend otherwise. If you’re anxious, we know it. Even if we may not know why.
In a soft whoosh, you feel feline footsteps on your belly circling and then a settling down as a warm soft creature curls up on your tummy. You allow yourself to exhale deeply and your body relaxes as the muscle tightness relaxes. Your heartbeat slows and you languish in a state of letting go.
Scientific studies confirm that tenderness between humans and felines, like stroking or petting, relaxes the human brain. The gentle touching causes a brain wave pattern called Theta waves to increase. Theta wave patterns signal to neurologists a reduction in feelings of anxiety. Humans petting felines produce an increase in biochemicals like dopamine and serotonin.
“WOW” is all I have got to say. Of course these scientific studies merely confirm what cats have known since the beginning of our interactions with human: humans petting cats makes humans feel good. Admittedly, cats (usually) like it too. It’s a mutually enjoyable experience. And how many moments in life does THAT happen?
Oh, how I could go on. But my literary friends have told me it is best to keep things short. Over time, humans have lost the ability to pay attention for very long.
Until next month, I remain,
FEDORA THE FABULOUS
First, unlike almost all cats, I love to wear hats. I have ever since I was a kitten. The Fedora style chapeaux is my hat of choice when I go out for a stroll.
While I may choose to accessorize with all manner of different styles of hats, do not, I repeat DO NOT try to force any feline you may know to wear a hat, even if it’s your birthday. Ninety-nine percent of cats simply hate hats and find them completely unsuitable, especially if the hat is maintained on the head by an elastic band stretched under a delicate chin. It’s ridiculous and humiliating. Unless of course the feline herself freely choose to accessorize, whether it be a hat, a scarf, or a string of pearls. I once preferred the French beret, but got tired of the look and moved to what I consider to be a more mysterious aura. But I digress.
My reason for contributing to this newsletter is simple: I wish to enhance the delicate relations between cat and human. Well-intentioned but often clueless humans may learn something not heretofore known about how fabulous we felines really are.
Picture this. You feel exhausted. You lay down on the sofa just to rest for a moment before trudging ahead with what you plan to do next. Your head is whirling with anxious thoughts about your “to do” list which gets longer the faster you go. Your heart is pounding and your breathing is shallow. In fact, you’re a bit dizzy. What an Arkansas friend of mine called “a sinking spell.” Quite common among humans.
The cat that has chosen to reside with you, despite your shortcomings, quietly walks into the room. She sits on the floor a few feet away and intently observes your pitiful condition. No hiding your feelings from a cat. Don’t even try to pretend otherwise. If you’re anxious, we know it. Even if we may not know why.
In a soft whoosh, you feel feline footsteps on your belly circling and then a settling down as a warm soft creature curls up on your tummy. You allow yourself to exhale deeply and your body relaxes as the muscle tightness relaxes. Your heartbeat slows and you languish in a state of letting go.
Scientific studies confirm that tenderness between humans and felines, like stroking or petting, relaxes the human brain. The gentle touching causes a brain wave pattern called Theta waves to increase. Theta wave patterns signal to neurologists a reduction in feelings of anxiety. Humans petting felines produce an increase in biochemicals like dopamine and serotonin.
“WOW” is all I have got to say. Of course these scientific studies merely confirm what cats have known since the beginning of our interactions with human: humans petting cats makes humans feel good. Admittedly, cats (usually) like it too. It’s a mutually enjoyable experience. And how many moments in life does THAT happen?
Oh, how I could go on. But my literary friends have told me it is best to keep things short. Over time, humans have lost the ability to pay attention for very long.
Until next month, I remain,
FEDORA THE FABULOUS
